lighten the load

Here is something to lighten the load after all that "negative" talk in my other postings. My photography has been therapeutic.

something triggered

Something set off my anxiety yesterday. I was house sitting for some people and all was fine. I stayed a little later and was still there when they came home. I started having heart palpitations. I was glad to see them and wanted to visit. They are my friends and I hadn't seen them much lately. But for some reason the excitement set off the palpitations ("skipping", "irregularity"). It was better by the time I left and then during the night it started again. I was so sleepy but was disturbed each time I tried to go to sleep by my heart "skipping". I get a vicious cycle and sometimes I can't just talk my way out. It has to run it's course. The more I worry about it, the more it happens. This happens to me most in social situations which is obviously a social anxiety symptom. Or sometimes subconscious thoughts set it off. All I know is there are things that trigger this-consciously or unconsciously. I was told this thing I have with my heart is part of my anxiety disorder. Tests were once run but I don't believe thoroughly as could have been done. I did research. I'm no doctor but I do believe mitral valve prolapse might have something to do with this. Stress aggravates it. I have 0% courage to get a doctor to check it out. I do know in most cases, this is not a dangerous health risk. I've suffered from these "palpitations" since 1985 and I'm still alive. I inherited it from my mother. her diagnosis was never made on hers either. She did in fact have a heart attack in 2004 but the doctors said it was NOT from the palpitations but from some other cause- not high cholesterol but another problem. A name I cannot remember....
She takes heart medicine now. Still gets palpitations but not near as bad as what I suffer. It's made my life pretty hard. I try to make the best of things. Though nobody understands half of what I am up against every day of my life, I do. It's not easy.
I'd say two-thirds of my life has pretty much been a living hell. That sounds a bit negative, I know but sometimes I am going to be out-spoken in these blogs. ( I bet you're laughing at me right now. You've seen worse blogs!)I posted in the previous blogs that thinking positive does not mean denying reality or that there are not bad things in life. I can't believe that all positive thinkers don't have bad days. He/she must be some sort of "perfect" person. lmho! But really, it's serious emotional stress I am dealing with everyday. Not such a pretty picture.

your work is valuable!

I've seen people with the mistaken belief that you have to have a certain type of job or career in order to be successful or worth anything. But if you work hard at anything you do, it is valuable. Some people make more money than others which is obvious as you see in the media and all. Some people make thousands or even millions of dollars and barely lift a finger to earn it. I forget what you call those kinds of people. Entrepreneurs? Well I know some of them work really hard. What if you are a stay at home mom? What do your friends think? Do they tell you you should get a job? Tell them you have a job! You are nurturing your child/children and are training them for a secure future. You spend countless hours feeding and reassuring your children, do you not? You stay up with them at night when they are sick. You make sure they are clean and well fed. What if you are a stay at home wife, maybe you have no kids. Your husband provides enough means of living. You dedicate your time and energy to care for your yard, your house and the many errands to be done. IS that not a job? True, you don't get paid for it but it is a job. What if you have a job that doesn't pay much yet you work hard and you come home at the end of the day tired yet fulfilled? What if all you did was flip burgers or pick up trash, or babysit? Maybe you mowed a few lawns. It doesn't matter what you do. Work is work. Of course whatever you choose to pursue is your choice. If you are happy that is important. I just want people to know whatever work you do, it is valuable and it benefits not just yourself but others. If you want a big career, than pursue it. If you simply want to flip burgers, babysit, do road construction, help older ones, mow lawns, be a stay at home mom, then do it. Again I can't stress it enough, all hard work is valuable... pursue it. Do what you have to do. Don't worry about what others think or what society defines as a career or a "meaningful" job.

got through it

I got through this afternoon at the DPS. That's where a person goes to get their license or i.d. I had to get my i.d. renewed and they hadn't taken a picture in ten years. I had to wait an hour and a half until they called my number. I was actually a little excited when they were getting close to my turn. My social anxiety was fair. I did not have anything major. I had taken my medication and was calmer. I had put this off for a month. I don't regret that I did but I'm glad I got it done. I just hope I had my eyes open when they took the picture. There were a lot of people in there but I just sat as calmly as I possibly could. Made it.

find the good

Find the good in yourself, and in others. If you don't, you won't find yourself very happy. A person can waste years of their life and energy being depressed and displeased with all the bad when there is certainly enough good thoughts to go around in this world. It doesn't mean you deny the fact that there are bad things in this world, but that you choose to look at it as the saying goes, the glass half full. As well as making lemonade out of lemons. Despite all the number of bad, negative things, change them to positive. That's what I'm working on.

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

As I mentioned, you should only think in the moment. That's is, if thinking outside the moment is negative or is wasted time on too much worry. I did not want anyone to misunderstand the meaning of that. if you are thinking about yesterday, it could be something good that you did. Today you think about what you accomplished and feel good at the end of the day. Tomorrow, you think about something fun you plan to do like go on a trip or even a healthy concern for something that needs to be taken care of. So in yesterday, today, and tomorrow, are always something worthwhile.

today

I call this just today because that is where I am at. I should not be worried about yesterday or tomorrow. I am at today. It's important to live each moment at a time and not be wrapped up in what you may have failed to do or wish you could do.

I'm on an incredible journey to work on the moment. That's not to say I won't post something that I "preach" against.

Like I may say it's my goal that I am going to think positive and not negative and yet I may vent my negative frustrations out. Well, sometimes we have to.

First of all I am not going to hide the fact that I am a sufferer of an anxiety disorder and that I also have social anxiety disorder. These disorders are misunderstood by so many. There are sites and message boards for people who have these problems. I often visit these more than just a message board for people who talk about movies, etc. I do visit message boards where I do not talk about my disorders because it is not the place to speak of it or I sometimes fear what others might think.

That is not good. When a person hides the fact that they are different in some way, in a sense they don't like themselves because they think they are not good enough. They are afraid of people looking down on them. They are sometimes considered not "normal".

I have this fight myself. I know though that this is wrong thinking. I am good enough.

This society's view of what is right or wrong, "normal" is at times distorted.

Some people think you have to have a certain income, or a certain work ethic or attitude in order to be accepted as "normal".

I put that in quotes because that word is greatly misused and it needs to be defined more clearly.